The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
This could be us… but you playing
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.