Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]