None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees