Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Squirrels before girls.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.