I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.