One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
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Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!