COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
plant them where lol
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.