I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.