4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
🛁
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.