Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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ouch
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Heroic Misunderstanding
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired