It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*