*jazz hands*
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it