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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.