Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
How I’d get arrested…
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
need a new bf mines broken 😐
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.