I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
@funTweeters
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*