Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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Ain’t no way
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*