ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
You Might Also Like
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
based al yankovic
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too