Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”