My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man