If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If you know, you know
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school