Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
the icebreaker
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.