my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.