Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
You Might Also Like
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”