we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Finally a use for spoilers…
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?