You Might Also Like
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Hot Hot Hot
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
There’s never enough good news
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.