Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
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This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
What’s a Messi?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.