I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
You Might Also Like
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.