I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.