I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance