If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
When you kidnap a writer.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’ve been learning to cook.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.