The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.