If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*