[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder