You Might Also Like
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Somebody’s lying.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”