Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
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*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
moms in horror movies
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.