[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life