I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Oh boy, $150,000!
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Taking phone security to the next level.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else