“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
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Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I would like even faster food.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again