#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Danger is very dangerous
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My boss called in sick of me
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
What kind of a cult is this?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just grow your own
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Expect the unexporcupine.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.