[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.