Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
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I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*