“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
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I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
going to the ER y’all need anything
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me