[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Lmao
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.