i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.