If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Childbirth is so beautiful
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*