“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: