Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem