*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
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For the orator and chef in all of us
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
wtf is a larm clock?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it