I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?