90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.